Nikon pwns Canon

Here's a guide to choosing the right brands for all your digital photographic needs.

SLR
Nikon. Canon bodies use that stupid wheel in the back instead of arrows, and photos take forever to show up on the display. Other brands don't even matter. Well, maybe Fujifilm. ... Nah.

Point-and-shoot
Canon. Solid construction and reliable. I've had three Canon PowerShots and they've all been great. Plus I'm not sure who else still makes good cameras that use AA batteries. Being able to use AA batteries is great for traveling.

Flash memory
SanDisk or Transcend. Actually it doesn't really matter which brand or what speed you choose, since your camera should have an image buffer. It matters if you're continuously shooting RAW in continuous mode continuously, but who the hell does that?

Photo printer and paper
Epson. Not sure what to say about Espon. They make printers. It's their specialty, and they're the best at it. And their semigloss ColorLife Photo Papers are nice.

Cola
Coke. Drink Pepsi if you want to be Britney Spears. Drink Coke if you want to be a real man, like Santa Claus and polar bears. If you're a girl, drinking Coke turns you into a sexy warrior woman.

Bag
Tamrac. Their Adventure Series Backbacks are awesome. I have the Adventure 7. It's not even a big backpack but I can fit so much in there and still have room to spare in the top compartment.

Computer
Apple Mac. Use Windows if you want your computer to be unstable due to viruses, or anti-virus software which think everything is a virus. Otherwise get a Mac and save yourself some headache. Don't use an Apple mouse though. Even Apple's Mighty Mouse is awful.

I'll expand this list when I feel like it.

Your mom has a camera

You can't just get a camera and call yourself a professional photographer. You need a computer and peripherals.

It has to be a fast computer because it has to run the latest version of Photoshop. Photoshop is like your photography license. If you don't have it, you're not a working photographer. Photoshop is industry standard, and we know this because it has also become a verb.

"Photoshop this, photoshop that."

"See Spot walk. See Spot photoshop."

"I'll photoshop your mom!"

Knowing how to shoot is not enough. You need to know how to photoshop.

You need to be able to deliver files to your client quickly, so broadband internet connection is a must. But you can't send tens or hundreds of megabytes by e-mail, so you need some other means of sending files. This requires some Internet 101 knowledge, which should be no problem for you if you grew up using the internet. If you didn't, or you don't even know what FTP is, you should find a different career.

Sometimes files are so large that sending them over the internet isn't practical, so you also need a DVD burner, a stack of recordable DVDs and CDs, and mailers for transporting the discs.

Not so bad so far, right? Wait, you also need a photo printer so you can show print samples. You'll need an extra hard drive sooner or later, and another one later on. You need a graphics tablet so you can photoshop faster. You need a big, high resolution monitor and need to know how to calibrate it correctly. You also need a comfortable chair.

Did I forget to mention photography equipment? You'll need some of those too.