Time

I haven't posted anything for months and I apologize for that. I'm able to bring myself to apologize because nobody reads this blog anyway, so I'm actually apologizing to nobody! Ha!

Today I'm writing about time. More specifically, clients' inability to understand the concept of time. Things take time. Do I really need to say more? Apparently so because clients just don't get it! But I can't say more! Can I?

For you to look non-fugly, I have to reconstruct your entire face and body in each and every photo and it not only takes will power, it takes time! There is no "Shrink Nose" brush or "Create Breasts" filter. It all has to be done manually by an individual more talented than you!

No. I can't say any of that. And since no one reads my blog, I'm not worried about clients reading this.

And of course they also don't understand that time equals money. The more time it takes to do something, the more money it requires. "I only get two photos?!" Yes because you take forever to edit! Unless you pay more or s[BLEEEEEEEP]k. But nooo they wouldn't understand that editing 20 photos takes nine times longer than editing two photos, and therefore justifiably costs eight times more. I bet you don't get it either, you noob.

I have no solution to this problem other than don't try to make money from something that takes longer than it pays. In other words, as always, don't become a photographer.

But really, being a photographer is a walk in the park compared to being a videographer. Since everyone wants to be a photographer, I thought about getting more into video. After editing a few videos I swear I absolutely hate it! You have no idea how much it sucks to be the guy having to make cool videos until you've tried it.

Imagine listening to the same song repeatedly. That's not the bad part. In fact it can be pleasant. Now imagine listening to a couple seconds of that music repeatedly, over and over, and over again until you've placed two seconds of video in the just right place. And now do that for the rest of the video. In case you haven't figured it out, it's annoying and it takes forever.

It gets worse but videography is beyond the scope of this post. Just trust me: video editing will drive you insane! Most videos I edited took well over eight hours, and none of them run longer than five minutes! And they suck!

Have you ever wondered why StudioMTN Mike looks like a teenager even though he's in his mid-20s? It's because he edits videos. He edits lots of videos. Why does he drink when he shoots video? Because he knows that he'll have to edit it later.

When you pay for a videographer, you're not paying for the editing. You're paying to feed his children after he inevitably kills himself. When you hire Mike, think about his children. Take my advice. Don't become a videographer.

By the way, happy Independence Day!

Work anytime, play anytime

People think that freelance photographers have it so easy. They think that because we don't have to clock-in and clock-out, it means we get to work anytime we want, take unlimited lunch breaks, and take vacations whenever we want. Well that's not quite true. I mean I did sort of just pack up and fly to China all of a sudden, but I'm not really on vacation. I'm supposed to be, but I'm not.

Anyway, it isn't true that freelancers get to work whenever they want. Remember all those school projects you had to do every semester? Due date was always right before school's out, so supposedly you could begin to work on them whenever. But whenever was always the night before they were due! Big fat C- for sloppy work and turning in late. No big deal, you told yourself, because after you graduate and enter the real world, you'll do excellent work and submit them on time.

In the real world, you better, or your clients will ditch you and hire your competition. But even when you do excellent work and deliver on time, this is what happens in the real world. This is what happens in real life. The real life of a freelance photographer.

You get a gig from a new client. Because you got the gig on short notice and you're used to how you work with your regular clients, you forget to tell the new client that you need to be paid in advance. No big deal, you told yourself, because you'll do an excellent job and deliver the work on time. And you do. The work couldn't be any better, so the client must hire you again and will pay in advance for the next gig. So far so good, right? Wait, you noob. I'm not finished.

Then the client tells you she didn't receive the work. You send it again and remind her about payment. A few days later you ask for the payment again. A few days after that, the client responds and says she didn't receive the work. You send her the work and remind her about payment, again. She tells you she won't pay until she receives the work. This goes on and on until you figure out that the client is an incompetent moron who couldn't receive my work because she doesn't know how to use a computer!

And now I'm thousands of miles away and still trying to get the money! The work was done! The work was great! I shouldn't have to deal with this! This was supposed to be my vacation!

Do you see what I mean? You do everything great and on time, and you still get screwed. You thought a C- was bad? Welcome to the real world. This is real life. The real life of a freelance photographer. At least an employee gets benefits and weekends. All we freelancers get is unlimited lunch breaks. Take my advice. Don't become a photographer.

Moron among morons

You know how Ricers (those kids who put giant spoilers on their moms' Honda Civics) like to pretend to know what they're talking about when in fact they either have no clue or are just spitting out something they read on an internet forum? Well I hate to say this, but a lot of noob photographers are that way about photography and their equipment.

What's worse is that these noobs like to give advice to other noobs who like to give advice to other noobs, so they end up circulating a bunch of bad information among each other. Oftentimes their info originate from suggestions meant for a different type of photography (eg: giving advice for nature photography to someone doing portraits) and marketing materials (eg: "This digital diffuser invented by Harry Wang creates studio lighting!").

There's a simple way to avoid bad info. Look at the guy's portfolio! If someone is giving you advice for portraiture but he has no portfolio of portraits, he's a moron. If you take that advice and pass it on to someone else, you're a moron too. Please, don't become a moron among morons. Stop the trend! In fact, don't become a photographer.

Have you noticed that I don't give shooting advice in this photography blog? ;)

Nightclub directories suck

I got an offer from a lady from a certain club directory website to submit my photos from a recent event. Actually it wasn't an offer at all, since she wasn't offering anything. My response was, "Tell me more." What I meant was, "I'm giving you one more chance to tell me why this is not a waste of my time!"

Her response was that they want the files zipped and uploaded within 24 hours of the event. I suppose she meant she wants photos for future events too, since it's been 60 hours, 37 minute and 29 seconds since that particular event. OH OH OH! She did point out that she can mention me as the photographer for that event in its tiny ass description!

Look, nightclub directories are useless, except for the people who run the websites. First of all, I don't know anyone finds the next party by going to a directory. People go to their friends to find a party, because everybody knows somebody who knows a club promoter or a promoter for a club promoter. I take it back. Lonely middle age men hoping to accidentally hook up with a young blond might use directories.

Secondly, these directories don't benefit promoters. They make money from advertising, so they only benefit those who advertise on their websites. (At least those who buy ad space hope to benefit.) All those events not being advertised just end up as another event in a long list of events, which lonely middle age men randomly choose from.

Finally, they don't benefit photographers. Those directories generally claim to offer professional (haha) photography services. Suppose your photos are posted in the website and a promoter looking for a photographer stumbles upon them. The promoter isn't going to come to you to shoot his next event. He'll contact the directory, and the directory will choose a photographer who will shoot as a photographer for that directory and receive the least amount of pay.

I told her no thanks. What I meant was, "ROFLMAO!!!"

Hired help vs rude bitch

You'd think that as a photographer, people would treat you as an artist who creates beautiful imagery. You'd think that since how a photo looks depends a lot on you, you'd be treated with dignity. You'd think that you're special. You'd be WRONG!

Photographers are a dime a dozen, even though a camera alone is a dime times 10,000. Even if you take great photos, most people you encounter wouldn't know that, and oftentimes they'd treat you as hired help. Someone might even be rude to you. When I get treated that way by a guest at a wedding or whatnot, I want to just walk out on the job, but obviously that's not a good way to do business.

When someone is rude to you, you just have to "accidentally" take a few bad photos of that bitch. We all have confidence issues to some degree, but people who don't respect others are generally more self-conscious than most. Use that to your advantage. Stick your lens in her face. Make her your victim. Tell her to suck in her tummy and smile better. She won't bother you again.